A Heartfelt letter to Lebron James

RE: I’m Done Witchu!

Lebron James,

What the fuck is wrong with you! Did your mommy not teach you any values—apparently not? Do you know where you come from? You were born and raised in Northeast Ohio hailing from Akron, Ohio. You single-handedly put Cavaliers basketball and the city of Cleveland on the map both nationally and globally. You were on your way to become a God in this city, now you are a complete embarrassment and alienated the Cleveland faithful. You didn’t forget about your scumbag friends from high school, whom you so loving refer to as the ‘four horsemen.’ You might not realize this Bron Bron but a kid with no real world experience, let alone no college degree does not normally become Vice-President of marketing for Nike. You don’t realize what this city has been through The Drive, The Fumble, The Shot, The Blown Save, you must have forgot about this while you were doing the ESPY Awards or Saturday Night Live.

You show up to a Tribe game versus New York sporting a Yankees hat on national television and completely dogging your hometown, what a travesty. Not only wearing a hat of one the most hated teams in this city’s history but arrogantly and pompously rubbing our face in it by flaunting your hat in the air. How would you like it if Bernie Kosar showed up to a Cavs playoff game a rocking a Pistons jersey, guess what, that wouldn’t happen because Kosar has class. Do you even know who Bernie Kosar is?

You are done; I’m no longer cheering for you, sticking up for you or comparing you to Michael Jordan. The fact of the matter, you don’t play defense and you can’t consistently make free throws—you are no Mark Price. I will, like any other die hard Cleveland fan, continue to root for the Cavs and any success that comes with the organization. Go back to where you came from—Akron, home of rubber, the dirtiest strip clubs on Earth, and Cleveland’s red-headed step child.


Sincerely,

The City of Cleveland and its fans


P.S. How many kids do you have now?

The Verdict is In for Just a Drop….Poop!

I discovered a revolutionary new bathroom product; Just a Drop guarantees elimination of 98% of odor on contact. Their slogan is “Never worry about embarrassing bathroom odors again.” I was very skeptical of this product therefore; I purchased this product off the Internet. I received 2 Visine-like bottles of blue liquid, which is so strong I could smell it even before opening the package. The odor from this product stings your nostrils. Oh lets not forget that Just a Drop included a convenient travel package as well. The directions clearly state on the packaging: drop one (or two) drops of the liquid in the toilet before you drop bombs. This product is supposed to mask those paint peeling, barn-like animal odors.

Over the past week this product has been tested by all types of men, women, and children both healthy and unhealthy. The test included using various numbers of drops, ranging from 1 to 5. This product was tested in a controlled environment, with no fan and or air fresheners. An outside third-party inspected the bathroom after using Just a Drop.

AND the verdict…Just a Drop is just a joke. Just a Drop does mask the smell but it by no means eliminates 98% of odor. There is a minty smell combined with a poopy odor. The testimonials from their website claim this product will alter your social life. Erroneous, this product is full of shit and smells like shit. Don’t falsely claim to eliminate odor unless you shit roses. Well guess what, everyone poops and shit still stinks!!

Why you’re un-American if you Hate Springsteen

Bruce Springsteen is the greatest American singer-songwriter to ever live. The
Boss is the quintessential American. He represents everything that is great about this country. When our fore fathers were drafting the Constitution they envisioned Bruce Springsteen. “We the People” are looking for a unifying voice to stand behind. Enter a humble New Jersey rocker has not forgot his blue-collar roots while staying true to himself and simultaneously evolving as an artist. His albums and songs transcend time, the mark of a true legend. He sings about the common, hard-working man, who’s trying to do the right thing. People can relate to his lyrics because it touches the depths of their soul and everyone yearns for that one thing—the American dream.

I am shocked and appalled when someone tells me they hate Springsteen. My response is: “Do you hate baseball, hot dogs, and apple pie?” If so, my advice to you: Go South of the border to Mexico and work for 25 cents a day with no bathroom breaks. You’re born with a silver spoon in your mouth and can’t fathom the everyday struggles of a blue-collar hard-working American, living pay check to pay check. People who hate Springsteen because they are sick of hearing the same old songs are absolutely retarded. You think “Born in the U.S.A.” and “Glory Days” are his only songs because you hear them played at your local watering hole. These popular songs exemplify Springsteen and his beliefs but are only a fraction of Springsteen’s excellence. You clearly haven’t listened to any real Boss songs. Meanwhile, if you truly listened to “Waiting on a Sunny Day”, “Youngstown” or “No Surrender” you would realize how his lyrics, cords, and tone are exceptionally intertwined and personify life, love, and friendship.

If you have never seen Springsteen live in concert, it is without a doubt the best musical experience you will encounter. His concerts, like his songs are high energy, emotional, and memorable. It represents youth, freedom, loyalty, persistence, patience and experience from years gone past. From drinking all night chasing girls to growing up taking responsibility to living your life the way you want to live it; the pain and redemption in his voice ‘cuts through your veins like a knife.’ He sings to the child in all of us and makes us forget for one night the everyday struggles of life.

Oct 2, 2007: The release of Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Bands’ new album “Magic.” Which I fully recommend!

Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band also kick off their first tour since 2002 and I guarantee one hell of show, you won’t soon forget, that you can proudly relive with family and friends.

Why Dane Cook is a Piece of Shit

Dane Cook is a fucking clown. What a joke! Cook is a no talent, cocky, self-promoting hack. He’s the only comedian I’ve seen who doesn’t tell jokes. Every time I see him I want to projectile vomit. He’s a glorified theatrical story-teller who parades around stage like he has a stick up his ass. He tells zero jokes or even a semblance of a joke, its stories of his life—which aren’t even original. He should thank fellow comedian Louie C.K., who received his Lucky Louie series on HBO as apart of a deal for Cook stealing his material. This is the ultimate punk-ass bitch move.

The popularity of Cook has been an almost overnight transformation. Cook was a middle-of-the-road comic performing shows across the country. From his HBO and Comedy Central specials to his HBO mini-series “Tourgasm” and now to his evolving movie and music career. It seems everywhere you turn there’s Dane Cook doing some ridiculous strut or dance. I’ll give Cook credit; he saw an opportunity to market himself through the Internet with his website and MySpace account. In turn, the Internet exposed him to a larger audience. However, while most comics grind out a living on the road playing different cities hoping to get a break—Cook helped create his break. This would explain why real comedians consider him the P. Diddy of comedy: no talent and lots of theatrical flash and glamour. P. Diddy is to Biggie Smalls as Dane Cook is to Louie C.K. It’s ironic, how these two bums latched onto talented entertainers and exploited them for their own career advancement.

Now this ass-bag is at it again, doing commercials for Major League Baseball with their new slogan for the playoffs, “Actober.” I don’t need this Comie Pinko telling me about the Cleveland Indians’ or Milwaukee Brewers’ players; unlike you I follow and comprehend baseball and its players. It’s quite ironic to see Cook talking about acting, considering he’s a terrible actor, who’s constantly type casted. His upcoming prototypical movie is Good Luck Chuck with super hottie Jessica Alba. The fact he even gets a chance to hang-out with this tasty biscuit makes me want to rip my fucking teeth out. Oh lets not forget about his new song “Forward” which sounds like a cat getting hit by a wrench. Give it up man, you suck pole. You’re that guy everyone makes fun of because he thinks he’s so cool but in actuality you’re really a loser who doesn’t know the difference. So naturally every Abercrombie T-shirt wearing douche-bag and clueless panty-dropping broad considers him the cats meow. I guess it doesn’t matter; it just goes to show that through the dumbification of America the public will love you.

Carson Palmer--Pitchman Extraordinaire

This is quite an interesting ad from Cincinnati quarterback Carson Palmer. How ironic, considering Palmer just choked on Sunday at Browns stadium. Something tells me he regrets doing this from his college days at USC. Why would someone agree to do this? I understand when your in college money is tight, but seriously, go donate some bone marrow. Go take a hand-out from a scumbag booster or sell your car. You look like an asshole.

Where's the stadium mustard too? WEAK!

Go Browns!!

The Juice is Loose...Again

Orenthal is back to his shithead ways. What an unbelievable piece of shit. He gets busted for armed robbery in Las Vegas and he goes about his fairytale life like nothing is wrong. The image of OJ handcuffed being walked by the cops with a shit-eating grin on his face was disturbing. It was almost as if the psycho enjoyed being arrested. When OJ is asked by an LA Times reporter about this incident he responds:

"I'm O.J. Simpson. How am I going to think that I'm going to rob somebody and get away with it?" he said.

"You've got to understand, this ain't somebody going to steal somebody's drugs or something like that. This is somebody going to get his private (belongings) back. That's it. That's not robbery."

The Juice proceeds to ask the reporter I thought what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Well, that’s fucking interesting?? I'm sure that’s the case but when you rob someone at gunpoint. That is something that doesn't go unnoticed. OJ thinks he is above the law. Hey Nordberg this isn't a movie and you're no Steven Segal (Above the Law). Do the world a favor and die already.

Seth Green Says Leave Chris Crocker Alone!

This is a spoof on my previous post about leaving britney alone. Chris Crocker is the dude who originally made this atrocious video. I always thought Seth Green was such a loser and now this only re-affirms my orignal opinion. What a dork!

LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

By now most people are aware of Britney Spears' pitiful performance on MTV's video music awards this past Sunday. Yes, Spears is a whack job, who flashes her who-ha way too much to the media. Seriously wear some panties or keep your legs closed you whore.

Regardless, this video is epic. I am still confused on whether this is a guy or girl in the video. I want to say it's a limp-wristed Ru-Paul wannabe, but you never know. This 'it' needs to join the looney bin with Spears.

Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina answers a question

This is unreal. Listen to this geniuses response to why people can't find the United States on a map. I'd like to see this Magellan point to the U.S. on a map.

It's a good thing she is hot, otherwise she wouldn't be able to make it through life. She finished 4th place in the Miss Teen USA. I foresee a college scholarship in her future.

Human Tetris

This video is funny and keeps with the Tetris theme. Those crazy Japanese are at it again. This could be the best game show going--Human Tetris. The Japanese will do anything.


"God damn those half Japanese girls, do it to me every time"

Best Game Ever

If your bored at work and you enjoy Tetris, you'll love this game. It's bizarro Tetris. When you close your eyes at night you'll see Tetris lines.

Denis Leary

This is classic video of Denis Leary. He's in the booth during a Red Sox game last year with his Uncle Teddy from Rescue Me. He rips on Mel Gibson for being a bigot. I'm surprised Leary isn't smoking a cigarette. Leary is the man. The only thing that pisses me off about Leary is the fact that he spells his name with only 1 'n'. What kind of asshole spells his name like that. He always busts chops about how people today aren't your prototypical old-school American male. Guess what, maybe if you correctly spelled your name you wouldn't be such a hater.


"I like football, porno, and books about war" -Asshole

Celebrity Buttplugs

With Christmas just around the corner check out these new products--it's the gift that keeps on giving:

Now you can stick George W. Bush up your butt.


Celebrity Buttplugs have the likeness of famous people. Thus far, they have...

* George W. Tush

* Smell Gibson (Braveheart Edition)

* Parass Hilton

* Dingleberry Bonds

They'll also make a"custom buttplug" for you, if you send them a close-up photo of someone, perhaps yourself, your ex, or whatever turns you on.

Soon to be available is an "expander" for the Dubya model that squeezes air into his head, expanding his ego, and increasing your pleasure.

Visit Celebrity Buttplugs at: www.celebritybuttplugs.com

NFL Fantasy Files Marques Colston -Real or Faked?

The jury is still out on this video. I don't think is real, but it's pretty awesome. I wonder if Colston will qualify as a Tight End this year in fantasy.

NFL Fantasy File: Marc Bulger

This video is funny. What did people do before fantasy football? There is a ton of money associated with fantasy sports. It cost me $8 bucks for a fantasy football magazine.

Midget Bullfighting

This is video of your typical day at the rodeo. A midget decides to conquer a bull and discovers his nubby little hands and feet are not quick enough.

Gay-Rod

Alex Rodriguez is shown here celebrating the youngest player to reach 500 home runs. Those are some super special colors, which I'm sure Gay-rod himself picked. I think this is the exact reason why Yankee fans give him so much shit. They know the one-time Menudo star is an amazing baseball player, but he putts from the rough.

Living la vida loco with Ricky Martin!

The female Peter Griffin

Yikes!! Looks like a female Peter Griffin from Family Guy. It looks like she kicks ass like Jason Bourne. Oh, check out the meathooks on her, she could destroy some lobster. When she cracks her knuckles, children take cover.

Mike Vick's Dog Toy

Ron Mexico, AKA Mike Vick has diversified his portfolio with this new dog chew toy. For $7.99 now your dog can take a bite out of Vick. This tiny toy will be the hit of your next dog fight (stop the fight....Tamale). Only in America! Why didn't I think of this??

By the way, it's bullshit that the NFL (No Fun League) no longer allows you to customize a jersey. I would have an ATL Vick jersey with Mexico on the back.

Attention Scumbags, Shitheads, & Degenerates

Calling all degenerate losers, now is the time! Get your books, sheets, tapes and phones in order. Give Mario the bookie a call or log onto your favorite online site--it's NFL pre-season time. It's the time where you can really make out and finally stick it to your bookie. All those times Martin Grammatica missed an extra point or Derrick Brooks pulls a pick 6 in the 4th quarter to blow the spread. Now you can place your faith in a bunch of scrubs, who are trying to live the dream but should be parking cars at the stadium.

It's so logical, Seahawks are playing the Vikings on Thursday night, Seattle is getting 7 points at home...."win me my fucking money!" The Seahawks have this 3rd string QB from Mississippi Valley State, who no one has ever heard of, besides maybe Mel "I know everything" Kiper, who can throw the ball 60 yards from his knees. You throw down a yard on the Seahawks getting 7. Not knowing your stud 3rd string QB, is not quite the stud with the ladies. He just caught a case of crabs from some skank who messed around with Ron Mexico(Mike Vick). Weird?!?! Vikings 30 Seahawks 17. It so it begins, the football betting season. Always chasing it.

Good luck to all of you! I'll be constantly entertained by your theories, strategies, and systems.

Bronco's at home with the mile high air...it's a lock!

malibu talks about his injury

Malibu from American Gladiators explains his passion for brew and women...fantastic. This is epic bro! This guy is probably chasing the dragon in a half-way house in Santa Monica. He also got turned down as an extra in the 1989 surfing movie Point Break. Bummer dude!

PRISON THRILLER!

Check out these Filipino inmates doing a re-make of Michael Jackson's Thriller video. Whatever happen to lifting weights when your in the clink? What a bunch of bitches! I wonder if the "girl" is wearing her regular attire.

Paula Abdul Has a Bratz Meltdown

What a psycho! It's so funny to watch her lose it. She's crazy as a shit house rat!

Lohan

This chick is unbelieveable. She is a constant train wreck, its awesome. First, she discovers she's a lesbian with some butch looking DJ. Now she just got busted with a DUI plus cops found coke on her when she got arrested. I'm a little disappointed by the mug shot....Nick Nolte's was way better

C-Rayz Walz

Check out this link. I was hanging with this dude last weekend. He's toured with the Wu-Tang Clan. He was also on an episode of MTV's show Made, tried to show some dude how to rap. I gave the dude a big ups and I don't think he liked me slapping him on the back. Can't win em all.

The Dude abides

Check out this link to the 6th annual Lebowski Fest this weekend in Louisville. I'm going to go to this one year. Who's coming with me? I think I'll go as Walter Sobcheck. By far one of the best movies ever made. Absolutely classic, this movie never gets old.


"This isn't Nam, there are rules!"

Why I'm ashamed to be a Cleveland sports fan

I've been born and raised in Cleveland and have cheered and cried over all sports Cleveland and will continue until the day I die. This city has experienced the Drive, the Fumble, the Shot, and the Blown Save. It's the most tortured sports city in America, with the longest professional championship drought. Yet every year I root for the Browns, Cavs, and Indians.

I am absolutely sickened by the fact that Indians fans boo Jim Thome. What a fucking travesty! Thome is the all-time home run leader for the Indians. He is one of the best ambassadors for the game of baseball and most loved Cleveland sports athletes. Thome is apart of the holy trinity of Cleveland sports: Thome, Bernie Kosar, and Mark Price. These three extraordinary men could run for mayor of the city and win in a landslide.


Jim Thome is no Albert Belle!
So why do Indian fans continue to boo Thome? Well guess what uniformed Indians fans, I am not a fair-weather fan. I remember when Thome was brought up from the minors and couldn't make the throw from third base. When Thome couldn't hit a breaking ball. He worked his ass off and become an All-Star and future Hall of Famer. Thome, was so beloved because Cleveland could easily relate to him. He's a blue collar, hard-working, whiskey drinking stand-up guy.

Thome was the main force beyond the powerful teams of the 90's. He continues to live in the Cleveland area and expressed his interest in going back to Cleveland. If anything, fans should boo ownership for thier continual lack of desire to produce a championship. The owners refuse to spend money. It's not Thome's fault, the Indians were going to erect a statue of Thome and name a city street after him.
Why don't those assholes drive to Cooperstown, NY and boo Thome during his induction into the Hall of Fame, while he's proudly sporting Chief Wahoo. Otherwise shut your pie-hole.

And I will be getting another tattoo. When the Indians win the World Series I'll get a Chief Wahoo tat.

Running of the Bulls (video)

This is a link about the Lenahan brothers (who I grew up with)running with the bulls. It's the first time in the 83 year history a bull has gored 2 people at the same time. Way to go Mike, stay up!

What?!?!?

I took this picture with my phone when I was at Pitchfork Music festival. Do they still make fanny-packs? Check out these 2 winners. Rocking fanny-packs, oh and don't miss the jean shorts.

Only Ms. New Jersey

Here she comes Miss America!
These pictures surfaced of Miss New Jersey, Amy Polumbo. What a babe! Supposedly someone was trying to blackmail her and ruin her chances at the Miss America. Looks like she gets after it pretty good. Only in New Jersey do you find such a classy young lady.

The only good thing to come out of Jersey is Bruce Springsteen......And now Amy Polumbo!

Self-Defense

Check out this self-defense video, with the weekend just around the corner here are some helpful hints from Bas Rutten of the UFC. Just in case shit gets crazy, you'll be able to defend yourself in a bar fight. This is quality, yet he doesn't fully utilize the ashtray punch.

"People really underestimate the kick to the groin"

Farley

Check out this baby, looks like Chris Farley. "Tommy like wingy"

Dirty Girls (Rob & Big Black)

This is hysterical!! This is the music video from the MTV show Rob & Big--one of the funniest TV shows going right now. My favorite is Big Black rapping on the toilet with the girl in the background waving the TP.

Butter

Who knew butter could be so resourceful.

Midgets (click here)

God Damn! Midgets are awesome. There's nothing better than watching 2 little people beat the shit out of each other.


Where's that babe from mini Kiss??

Farts

This is funny! Back in the day I could throw flame like this. Farting is so juvenile but I always laugh.

Why Alex Trebek needs an ass beating

Alex Trebek is the host of the popular game show Jeopardy. This is a great show. However, Trebek needs a ballbat to the dome. His smug, condiscending demeanor and attitude makes me want to vomit. I guarantee if it wasn't for the index cards supplied to him he would have no idea what any of the answers are. This Canadian piece of shit treats the guests like absolute morons when they answer a question incorrectly. My personal favorite is when someone mispronounces the answer and Alex so rudely corrects them. Or if the contestant doesn't say "What is" or better yet, if the contestant does answer 'what is' and Alex chimes in with "No Who is, not what is". You know what, this contestant got the right answer, don't be an asshole and give them the $200 they deserve. Alex, a caning is in order.



First, Alex you have no clue what the answer is, let alone be able to pronounce the answer correctly. Second, you wouldn't even be able to buzz in on time because the clicker would fall through your hands because of all the gel from your jerry-curl afro perm. Oh and guess what, when you interview the contestants and they tell paint dryingly dull stories I don't need your side comments about your days growing up in Canada, or the weekend you spent in the Galapagos Islands, or your collection of stamps--seriously come on spare me.


And who's Johnny?!?!? I've never seen this Oz like figure who has all answers. Maybe Johnny should tell our friend Alex that he is a two-bit hack who should be parking cars at the stadium.


"Foods that begin with the letter 'Q'"
Quince
Quesh
Quayle


Fuck you Alex!

Hillbilly's

Hillbilly's seem to amaze me the older I get. For Example, I went to the Taste of Chicago, which is the breeding ground for hillbilly activitity. Let me paint this picture, this guy was 45 years old with a White Sox jersey and his one eye was crossed because he was so hammered. A slack-jawed Cleatus approached me, while I was thoroughly enjoying some chicken wings and asked me to buy some beer for him and his son, who was maybe 16. Because of my love for food, particularly wings, I ignored him and continued chowing. But my friend agreed to buy him beer because I guess a 2 beer minimum is just not enough for a good father-son bonding experience.


So I awkwardly agreed and bought 2 beers with his tickets. Therefore, I was an intregal part in this hillbilly's bonding session to pass along his trash and overall inappropriateness to his son.

Can't Stand Ya!

Costanza is by far the greatest character ever invented. Paranoid, nuerotic, insecure, and judgemental....classic.

"The sea was angry that day my friend. Like an old man sending soup back at a deli."