A Heartfelt letter to Lebron James

RE: I’m Done Witchu!

Lebron James,

What the fuck is wrong with you! Did your mommy not teach you any values—apparently not? Do you know where you come from? You were born and raised in Northeast Ohio hailing from Akron, Ohio. You single-handedly put Cavaliers basketball and the city of Cleveland on the map both nationally and globally. You were on your way to become a God in this city, now you are a complete embarrassment and alienated the Cleveland faithful. You didn’t forget about your scumbag friends from high school, whom you so loving refer to as the ‘four horsemen.’ You might not realize this Bron Bron but a kid with no real world experience, let alone no college degree does not normally become Vice-President of marketing for Nike. You don’t realize what this city has been through The Drive, The Fumble, The Shot, The Blown Save, you must have forgot about this while you were doing the ESPY Awards or Saturday Night Live.

You show up to a Tribe game versus New York sporting a Yankees hat on national television and completely dogging your hometown, what a travesty. Not only wearing a hat of one the most hated teams in this city’s history but arrogantly and pompously rubbing our face in it by flaunting your hat in the air. How would you like it if Bernie Kosar showed up to a Cavs playoff game a rocking a Pistons jersey, guess what, that wouldn’t happen because Kosar has class. Do you even know who Bernie Kosar is?

You are done; I’m no longer cheering for you, sticking up for you or comparing you to Michael Jordan. The fact of the matter, you don’t play defense and you can’t consistently make free throws—you are no Mark Price. I will, like any other die hard Cleveland fan, continue to root for the Cavs and any success that comes with the organization. Go back to where you came from—Akron, home of rubber, the dirtiest strip clubs on Earth, and Cleveland’s red-headed step child.


Sincerely,

The City of Cleveland and its fans


P.S. How many kids do you have now?

The Verdict is In for Just a Drop….Poop!

I discovered a revolutionary new bathroom product; Just a Drop guarantees elimination of 98% of odor on contact. Their slogan is “Never worry about embarrassing bathroom odors again.” I was very skeptical of this product therefore; I purchased this product off the Internet. I received 2 Visine-like bottles of blue liquid, which is so strong I could smell it even before opening the package. The odor from this product stings your nostrils. Oh lets not forget that Just a Drop included a convenient travel package as well. The directions clearly state on the packaging: drop one (or two) drops of the liquid in the toilet before you drop bombs. This product is supposed to mask those paint peeling, barn-like animal odors.

Over the past week this product has been tested by all types of men, women, and children both healthy and unhealthy. The test included using various numbers of drops, ranging from 1 to 5. This product was tested in a controlled environment, with no fan and or air fresheners. An outside third-party inspected the bathroom after using Just a Drop.

AND the verdict…Just a Drop is just a joke. Just a Drop does mask the smell but it by no means eliminates 98% of odor. There is a minty smell combined with a poopy odor. The testimonials from their website claim this product will alter your social life. Erroneous, this product is full of shit and smells like shit. Don’t falsely claim to eliminate odor unless you shit roses. Well guess what, everyone poops and shit still stinks!!

Why you’re un-American if you Hate Springsteen

Bruce Springsteen is the greatest American singer-songwriter to ever live. The
Boss is the quintessential American. He represents everything that is great about this country. When our fore fathers were drafting the Constitution they envisioned Bruce Springsteen. “We the People” are looking for a unifying voice to stand behind. Enter a humble New Jersey rocker has not forgot his blue-collar roots while staying true to himself and simultaneously evolving as an artist. His albums and songs transcend time, the mark of a true legend. He sings about the common, hard-working man, who’s trying to do the right thing. People can relate to his lyrics because it touches the depths of their soul and everyone yearns for that one thing—the American dream.

I am shocked and appalled when someone tells me they hate Springsteen. My response is: “Do you hate baseball, hot dogs, and apple pie?” If so, my advice to you: Go South of the border to Mexico and work for 25 cents a day with no bathroom breaks. You’re born with a silver spoon in your mouth and can’t fathom the everyday struggles of a blue-collar hard-working American, living pay check to pay check. People who hate Springsteen because they are sick of hearing the same old songs are absolutely retarded. You think “Born in the U.S.A.” and “Glory Days” are his only songs because you hear them played at your local watering hole. These popular songs exemplify Springsteen and his beliefs but are only a fraction of Springsteen’s excellence. You clearly haven’t listened to any real Boss songs. Meanwhile, if you truly listened to “Waiting on a Sunny Day”, “Youngstown” or “No Surrender” you would realize how his lyrics, cords, and tone are exceptionally intertwined and personify life, love, and friendship.

If you have never seen Springsteen live in concert, it is without a doubt the best musical experience you will encounter. His concerts, like his songs are high energy, emotional, and memorable. It represents youth, freedom, loyalty, persistence, patience and experience from years gone past. From drinking all night chasing girls to growing up taking responsibility to living your life the way you want to live it; the pain and redemption in his voice ‘cuts through your veins like a knife.’ He sings to the child in all of us and makes us forget for one night the everyday struggles of life.

Oct 2, 2007: The release of Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Bands’ new album “Magic.” Which I fully recommend!

Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band also kick off their first tour since 2002 and I guarantee one hell of show, you won’t soon forget, that you can proudly relive with family and friends.

Why Dane Cook is a Piece of Shit

Dane Cook is a fucking clown. What a joke! Cook is a no talent, cocky, self-promoting hack. He’s the only comedian I’ve seen who doesn’t tell jokes. Every time I see him I want to projectile vomit. He’s a glorified theatrical story-teller who parades around stage like he has a stick up his ass. He tells zero jokes or even a semblance of a joke, its stories of his life—which aren’t even original. He should thank fellow comedian Louie C.K., who received his Lucky Louie series on HBO as apart of a deal for Cook stealing his material. This is the ultimate punk-ass bitch move.

The popularity of Cook has been an almost overnight transformation. Cook was a middle-of-the-road comic performing shows across the country. From his HBO and Comedy Central specials to his HBO mini-series “Tourgasm” and now to his evolving movie and music career. It seems everywhere you turn there’s Dane Cook doing some ridiculous strut or dance. I’ll give Cook credit; he saw an opportunity to market himself through the Internet with his website and MySpace account. In turn, the Internet exposed him to a larger audience. However, while most comics grind out a living on the road playing different cities hoping to get a break—Cook helped create his break. This would explain why real comedians consider him the P. Diddy of comedy: no talent and lots of theatrical flash and glamour. P. Diddy is to Biggie Smalls as Dane Cook is to Louie C.K. It’s ironic, how these two bums latched onto talented entertainers and exploited them for their own career advancement.

Now this ass-bag is at it again, doing commercials for Major League Baseball with their new slogan for the playoffs, “Actober.” I don’t need this Comie Pinko telling me about the Cleveland Indians’ or Milwaukee Brewers’ players; unlike you I follow and comprehend baseball and its players. It’s quite ironic to see Cook talking about acting, considering he’s a terrible actor, who’s constantly type casted. His upcoming prototypical movie is Good Luck Chuck with super hottie Jessica Alba. The fact he even gets a chance to hang-out with this tasty biscuit makes me want to rip my fucking teeth out. Oh lets not forget about his new song “Forward” which sounds like a cat getting hit by a wrench. Give it up man, you suck pole. You’re that guy everyone makes fun of because he thinks he’s so cool but in actuality you’re really a loser who doesn’t know the difference. So naturally every Abercrombie T-shirt wearing douche-bag and clueless panty-dropping broad considers him the cats meow. I guess it doesn’t matter; it just goes to show that through the dumbification of America the public will love you.

Carson Palmer--Pitchman Extraordinaire

This is quite an interesting ad from Cincinnati quarterback Carson Palmer. How ironic, considering Palmer just choked on Sunday at Browns stadium. Something tells me he regrets doing this from his college days at USC. Why would someone agree to do this? I understand when your in college money is tight, but seriously, go donate some bone marrow. Go take a hand-out from a scumbag booster or sell your car. You look like an asshole.

Where's the stadium mustard too? WEAK!

Go Browns!!

The Juice is Loose...Again

Orenthal is back to his shithead ways. What an unbelievable piece of shit. He gets busted for armed robbery in Las Vegas and he goes about his fairytale life like nothing is wrong. The image of OJ handcuffed being walked by the cops with a shit-eating grin on his face was disturbing. It was almost as if the psycho enjoyed being arrested. When OJ is asked by an LA Times reporter about this incident he responds:

"I'm O.J. Simpson. How am I going to think that I'm going to rob somebody and get away with it?" he said.

"You've got to understand, this ain't somebody going to steal somebody's drugs or something like that. This is somebody going to get his private (belongings) back. That's it. That's not robbery."

The Juice proceeds to ask the reporter I thought what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Well, that’s fucking interesting?? I'm sure that’s the case but when you rob someone at gunpoint. That is something that doesn't go unnoticed. OJ thinks he is above the law. Hey Nordberg this isn't a movie and you're no Steven Segal (Above the Law). Do the world a favor and die already.

Seth Green Says Leave Chris Crocker Alone!

This is a spoof on my previous post about leaving britney alone. Chris Crocker is the dude who originally made this atrocious video. I always thought Seth Green was such a loser and now this only re-affirms my orignal opinion. What a dork!